mended

So, this blog, this thing I’m doing here, it isn’t about me. It’s a whole lot more than that. It’s a whole lot bigger than that. This. It’s about God. It’s about His truth and His heart evidenced through His Word and, hopefully, through me. It’s about knowing Him and understanding Him. And how that mends brokenness. 

I’ve pursued healing for more than 20 years—healing that I thought would come from accurate diagnoses. Four of the five chronic illnesses, or comorbidities, that I have been diagnosed with have been made by exclusion. Which means everything else—all truly sinister causes—had to be ruled out first. That took years. Years of unhinged suffering. It took waking up morning after morning a nauseated, emaciated mess. And eventually, it took losing nearly 20 pounds from my already slight 5’6 frame and serious discussions of placing a feeding tube—not to cure anything or treat symptoms but simply to sustain life. It took all this to realize that sometimes there just isn’t a way out. It took all of this to realize it wasn’t about healing as much as it was about picking up the remnants and living despite. Despite the circumstances. Despite what things seem. Despite what has been and what hasn’t.

Because suffering is suffering is suffering. I’m going to be honest: Life is complicated. Life is hard. And sometimes life is awful. But here’s the thing: If we hold on long enough, it becomes breathtakingly beautiful. Trust me. I know. Because the exact circumstances of suffering are not as important as what God is doing and what He wants to do in and with and through the suffering. 

And that means the unraveling of my life has invaluable worth. It is meaningful. It is not and has never been allowed at my expense. It isn’t permitted for my detriment or disadvantage. Rather, it has redemptive purpose. It is allowed to refine, restore, renew. To prepare. And in all of this is where I stand brazen, unabashed. Where I am given the ability to say that I don’t need to know why, and I don’t need to understand. I don’t have to reason it, rationalize it, explain it. At least not yet. I just need to know Who. 

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5 Comments

  1. Dee says:

    Abbie, this is beautifully written, so absolutely inspiring and infused with love and hope. So proud of you!!!

  2. Karen says:

    Abbie your words ring true for me and my husband coping with his Huntington’s Disease. No way to rationalize, no help in why? Just acceptance. Just hope.

  3. Maury says:

    Abbie, thank you for being willing to publicly share your journey of Faith, your testament of the Love, Power, and Intent of the Master Healer in our lives! You and He have created something beautiful here…

  4. Glenda says:

    Wow! God knew what I needed to hear this morning. I have watched my daughter suffer extreme pain and suffering from years of undiagnosed treatment. Her life has been a living hell at times and has lost getting the support she needed from her husband who is divorcing her. She has also suffered years of domestic abuse from her husband. Getting out of this relationship is a blessing. She has a 5 year old son and may have to give up her rights as she can’t move out of state to be with her family for support. I know God is in the middle of all of this but it’s so hard to see a glimmer of light for my daughter. I’m encouraging her to hang on that God has a much bigger plan for her life. I’m always reminded of Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare not evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. I will hear you and you will seek me with all your heart. ❤️

  5. gloria phifer says:

    Beautifully written Abbey💜 courageous

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